Personal experience: I was born after a rape and all my life I hate myself and wish I had died


The girl told her story – she was born as a result of rape. Living with this is not easy for her, according to Time.

Personal experience: I was born after a rape and all my life I hate myself and wish I had died

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“Today June 27th . I'm 29. It's my birthday. And I wish it didn't exist at all”, – she says.

She didn't always hate her birthday. She clearly remembers how she was 5 years old. Celebrated in the backyard with a little pony her grandmother found and Hot Wheels cars her classmate came to play with.

She remembers going to the skating rink when she was 6 years old. A bowling alley party when she was 9. A sleepover with waffles and ice cream when she was 10. She and her friends sang karaoke. Her mother and grandmother were judges. “They chose my shyest friend as the winner. I think this is my earliest memory of kindness over easy choices.

I didn't know at the time that my birthday had hurt anyone”, – the girl says.

“It happened at a gas station. That moment of silence between pulling the key out of the ignition and opening the car door. I was small. But I heard her say, “I should have killed you when I had the chance.” Even sitting in the back seat, I could feel the truth being released. That day I learned to hate myself”, – the girl says.

“Now I knew that my mother was young. At the time I was 8 or 9 years old, my mother was about 20 years old. I remember the shocked expressions on the faces of the other parents when my mother came to accompany me on my first tour. It was weird, but not embarrassing. Not yet. Years later, I learned the whole truth – my mother was sexually abused at the age of 15. In addition to pain and trauma, I was the result”, – said the young woman.

“When I sat down to write what became my debut novel in July 2019, those words at the gas station were still in my head, as they have been every day since. I had no intention of publishing a book. At least not then. I had no desire to delve into my past. I wrote the story of Michi, a high school student who became estranged from her mother, for myself to come to terms with what, in my 20s, I felt I didn't want to exist. I didn't talk to my mom for a few years. I still don't talk. But Love Times Infinity came out fully formed”, – the girl says.

“I was terribly worried about how my book would be received. Won't people think that I'm promoting anti-abortion propaganda, a position I didn't fully understand myself? Writing Michie's travelogue helped me with that, gave me better understanding and empathy. I was worried in a general sense – the topic was something that only vibrated on the surface, but was not in the spotlight every day. We still lived in a world where many thought there was no real threat to the status quo”, – she says.

“And my book coincided with the agenda. With a current topic of the day, such as global warming or health care. The right to abortion is on everyone's mind, and if you're like me, you think about it almost every second of the day. I can't stop thinking about my role in a conversation in which so many people want to act as proxies for us children born of sexual abuse. To be honest, it makes me angry. It makes me angry that people who stop caring about us as soon as we come out of the womb pretend to know our thoughts, our hearts. So I cleared it up”, – the woman says.

“I would not happily live this life if it gave my mother peace and complete freedom to dispose of her own body. In fact, it would not affect my life in any way. Maybe my spirit would move into the next body, maybe I would continue to live in the non-existence that I am no longer. I don't know and I really don't care. And while I'm grateful for my life, over-thankful, I don't think it's worth more than my mother's life, regardless of relationship,” – she says.

“I spent most of my teenage years wishing I were dead. Every day I felt the burden of my existence. I still cannot put into words the darkness that pierces you when you believe that you were not chosen, not loved and not wanted. It wasn't strength that kept me here. It was fear. Fear that maybe I'm destined to go to hell, that a man conceived from something so dark, so evil, might someday get the place in heaven promised by those who made me exist, and then leave me to suffer alone . Many children do not survive in this darkness either by their own hands or by the hands of their parents, who are forced to give them their body”, – says a young woman.

“I want to be understood correctly. I don't think a person has to be abused to have access to an abortion. I think the extremism used in the conversation, while a real concern, is useless in the overall fight for reproductive justice. Harm should not be a reason to exercise complete control over your own body.

But if you are also a child who has been sexually abused, just know that I hear you, – the woman says. – Maybe you're struggling with gratitude for your life and the desire that your life doesn't harm another. I know you are tired of people talking about you, about you, but never with you, never for you. Because they are too busy speaking for themselves, pushing their agenda and using our stories to perpetuate harm. I'm 29 today and I still wish it wasn't like this.”


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